I mentioned before that getting better and progressing are in teeny tiny baby steps. They are so small that no one can see them other than you and your therapist. Tedium on steroids.

I am sometimes asked about my recovery. How far I have come? How far I have to go? I envision many things in life on a number line. In this case, I don’t know what number I am starting on, and I don’t know what number is the finish line. So some progress may seem big or small but when you can’t see the whole picture, you cant make percentages or estimates about the past or the future. Madness.

Say for instance, you are kidnapped and dropped onto another planet from a spacemobile. You were blindfolded and given a sedative, so you didn’t see where they went or for how long. They drop you with no compass. Nothing. You set off on foot to try and find help, food, water, etc. You don’t know if its one mile away, 100 miles away, or 10,000 miles away. As you keep going all these miles, you try to stay optimistic. But you really have no idea where you started or where you will end. Or maybe you never find anyone.

This is like the TBI recovery. There are no mile markers. Signs to the next town. You are utterly out there without the faintest idea how far you must go.

Back to the baby steps analogy. Below is an examples of PT exercises to demonstrate the tedium. The time frames indicate how long it takes you do be able to do it without feeling sick and hitting the wall. You still still feel sick when you progress to the next stage. But you won’t hit the wall.

1. Sitting down- you read words on a card- one syllable words 1-2 weeks
2. Sitting down- you turn your head a little to the right and left while you read the same words on a card; same thing moving head up and down- 2+ weeks
3. Sitting down- same thing faster head turns. 1 week
4. Standing up facing a blank wall- turn your head while reading the same one letter word cards 2+ weeks
5. Standing up facing the room- same head turns and up and down with cards 2+ weeks
6. Walking while doing head turns and reading cards- this took me several months to get to.
7. Heal to toe- I don’t even know if we’ve done this now.
8. You start all over again with sitting down but you add a card a new words- two syllable words. OMG you had no idea 2 syllable words would be so much effing harder. Walk through steps 1-7 again. more months pass.
9. Then you add a memory component. Do all of the steps above but flip the card over and repeat the first few words from memory. More months.
10. Rotate your body in a slight circle while the cards move in that same circle. Holy shit moving your head outside its normal plane is sooo hard. You feel like total shit.

I could go on and on, but I won’t bore you. I think you get the point. I usually had to lie on the table for hours after my appointment just to feel well enough to leave. All of these sessions make you feel terrible the rest of the day.. And usually at least one day after. Sometimes more. Hello hangovers with no booze. You aren’t welcome.

No pain, no gain they tell you.