Memory is a complicated construct. How we form memories, store them, and how we recall and access them. Short term vs long term. And what I think about a lot is the difference between remembering something and knowing that it happened.
I believe that my memory pre the accident is still intact. I know that my short term memory post the accident has been dramatically affected. What I am still unsure of is how I am forming longer term memories post the accident.
The terminology in one ear and out the other has a new meaning for me. We all know that sometimes when a speaker is talking, the listener isn’t really listening. They are doing something else, but nodding or acting like they are listening. And then your mother says, what did I say? And you have no idea. Because you weren’t really listening. You weren’t paying attention.
On the other hand, I can be actively listening but then directly forget what was said. One day M was about to go for a run and asked me to keep my phone with me. It was a high allergy day (which really affects him), so he wanted me to have my phone incase I needed to pick him up in the car. Cue important health reason- Emily pay attention. Less than two minutes after he walked out the door, I was walking out the door to take Garfunkel for a walk. I looked at my phone debating whether I needed to take it with me. How I remember this I don’t know! I remember thinking hmm I really don’t need to be taking my phone on all of my walks, no reason for it. I don’t need to be so attached, I’ll just leave it here. LESS THAN TWO MIN after he asked me to carry it with me! Memory gone!
The memory gets formed in my brain. And if you ask me about it later, I will remember what was said. BUT nothing prompts the memory to come forward and say hello!! Emily! Take your phone!!!
Another example. I have a call at 2 pm. I am leave the house at 1:30 pm for a walk. I think to myself, ok I will go for a short one and come back in 20-25 min in time for the call. Maybe I even set an alarm on my phone for 1:50 pm. Now I’m out walking, la la la la la. Oh the trees are nice. Blah blah blah. Bam my alarm goes off. That is weird I think, no need for an alarm while I’m walking. No idea what it was for. Walk walk walk. I arrive home at 2:20 pm. La la la. I make something to eat. Wow this kitchen is dirty, let me clean it. Etc etc.
…. I forgot about my 2 pm call, the 1:50 pm alarm did no good. I have no idea I forgot the call until I go to call my mom and see the missed call at 2 pm. OMG I think. TOTALLY FORGOT.
Everyone forgets stuff. People often say, I’m forgetful too, when I say my memory is bad. But this feels different.
Longer term when I look back over the last couple of years, it feels a little like a blur. But isn’t that true for normal people too? I know certain things occurred during certain months, so I can piece a timeline together. But do I generally remember say fall 2019? Not really. There are no large events to form an anchor that other smaller events can attach onto.
I didn’t know how bad my long ish term memory was until this past Christmas. I could not remember if M had spent xmas with my family or his the year before. Like the actual Christmas day opening presents. I had no idea. I know he was with me during the trip, but I don’t know if he was there on xmas day and when he flew to see his family. But it didn’t even show up in my realm of consciousness as a problem until one year after the event, aka the next Christmas. You don’t know what you’re missing until it’s not there.
During the first 6 months after my accident I knew my memory was bad, so I repeated things in my head over and over and over about my experience. Like a crazy person. I knew one day I would want to tell people what happened to me, and I didn’t want to forget it all. I FINALLY wrote down some of it late summer 2019. On and and off since that time, I have taken notes about my experience. When I reread these notes, it’s hard to tell what I remember vs what the notes tell my brain happened, and I confuse that with a memory of it. One day I will use those notes to help me write some posts, and everyone will think my memory is amazing.
